60 Day Bikram Challenge - 40 - Guns and Roses

The day started with my husband becoming more vertical . . . his standing up and walking that is, so yeah for that. Decided to spin with Pam and then tortured some more in her glutes and abs class . . . then down the freeway to Bikram @ 12:00 with Cheryl.

My brain/emotions were doing their thing today . . . Still trying to figure out this emotional cleansing thing, sometimes it works so deep and can be so painful . . . I thought it was a chronological thing from present working backwards . . . but not so, sometimes it is like groupings and odd things attached to these groupings.

The guns for instance a lady I spent time with when I was like 4 and 5, what I thought was normal probably was not. Anyway the first time I went to her house just after my mother left, she pointed to a rifle that was hanging up high on her wall that if I were to step out of line she knew how to use it. Aren't parents suppose to protect their kids?

Fast forward 12 years when I was 17.5 years old, my boyfriend went off to college we decided to date others (guys are trouble) . . . A guy that I well I guess I'll call it dated for 18 months, he was 7 years older married but separated from his wife, my parents thought he was wonderful, aren't parents suppose to protect their kids? He had issues, my parents had him move into our house, again aren't parents suppose to protect their kids?????? He was strange, lots of issues. He like my mother obviously did not like the way I dressed. He wanted to buy me clothes, both him and my Mom took me down and baracading me in a dressing room and had me trying on clothes, I wanted to scream, but the rifle on the wall I needed to mind. I hated those clothes, I did not want to be perfect, I did not want to make it look like everything was okay because it wasn't . .. just because my parents had a very volatile relationship don't get me roped into one. I don't want shoes with pointy heals I can smash over someones head and the blood. I don't want to hear drunk parents, never home to protect their kids, and when they are home, well, we were suppose to be perfect . . . while Dad is holding Mom down in the bathtub, the blood the bruises . . . I don't want to be perfect it is too painful.

After 6 months into the relationship he took off back to his wife . . . I was free . . . Until a month later he had stopped by the house and cried to my mother he wanted me back and the dozen and one red roses . . . so I minded my Mom and took him back . . . again aren't parents suppose to protect their kids? I don't like a hand around my neck and a fist to my face . . . I don't like bruises, I screamed and told my mother what happened but she thought he was wonderful . . . this was crazy. He had gotten some guns from my Mom (Uncles estate). We had gone to his step sisters wedding, but he made it clear I was not to go to the reception . . . so I didn't . . . the next morning I got a call from one of his sisters there had been an altercation at the reception and he pulled a gun on his Dad but it jammed . . . no charges were pressed . . . brother-in-law police captain and he was protected. Nearly a year later at his house during the the final months of our relationship . . . he had a melt down holding a gun to his head that he needed to go away on a ship they were after him . . . at this point I know I needed a plan I needed to get away . . . I didn't want to be perfect anymore it was too painful . . . I'm not sure how I managed it but by the Grace of God and later I learned the help of my dad (I love my dad) . . . the ring was returned, the keys to his house and the truck of his he made me drive - some sort of controlling thing was returned . . . I knew when he took the ring and threw it down the hill and into the brush . . . a few days later my car door was kicked in . . . this was his trademark . . . I knew it was over and it was good . . . Almost two years later I had sold that car a red mustang . . . and was driving a new car . . . anyway he pulled me over to apologize and to see how I was doing, I was very short with him, cordial but short . . . at that time I was dating the guy I am married to now, No Guns and No Roses . . . and I run and life is good . . .